Emotional Intelligence & Behavior

Emotional Education

This blog post is a summary that was inspired by Alain de button's 1 hour lecture on emotional intelligence, interpreted by me with a few direct quotes from the lecture. The reason this lesson inspired me is because mental health, sociology and psychology are important crucial aspects of our world and very underappreciated. I hope that people who decide to read this find it inciteful and useful and can take something from it to improve their own lives. c: If you enjoy this, you should check out some of Alain de button's lectures on Youtube, or you can purchase his books. If this is too long, at least read the tl;dr in bold!

In the 19th century, commitment to the Christian faith saw a decline in the west. Fewer people maintained a strong connection with "God" as an engine to guide them through life, and as the famous saying by renowned philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche goes "God is dead". This may have lead to a gradual decline of slave morality (doctrine following suppression of will), but it also lead to a decline in spiritual morale. Culture began to replace scripture. There saw a boom in the development of the humanities; libraries, theaters, social arts courses in universities and so on.. but if we look at ourselves and the connection we have with our world, there is still a lot to be desired, an empty void left unsatiated. 

We put on a feigned visage that we are happy, when we are not. To some extent, we barely know what happiness is, we only think we do. Fleeting senses of happiness pervade in the collective mind. Complacency is mistaken as contentment. We go to work, and we may enjoy parts of it but at the end of the day there's no magic, no true fulfillment for most of us. We seek others for that fulfillment. We find partners, and after a short time we grow apart from those we thought we'd cherish forever. Love is often used as a drug to help us find something higher in life.

We are also experts at masking our emotions. Whenever we go out and encounter people, whether it be at work, at an appointment, or just casual conversation we are expected to ask each other how the other person is doing, and anything deviating from a cliché response seen as socially awkward. On top of that, most "friendships" appear to be very shallow, with 'friends' hardly ever spending time catching up, while pretending to themselves that they're friends. Our standard of what makes someone a 'friend' is very low.

Maybe one of the reasons this social dynamic persists is because society encourages us to wear a mask and keep it on nearly at all times, and as a result we have lost the ability to socialize with people in meaningful ways. Normal relationships are almost treated as shallow transactional encounters. We don't care what people have to say if it takes up too much time, we just want to get on with our business. We also tend to allow a small handful of people to really enter our lives, so it's no wonder many people struggle with loneliness, when everyone's 'friend slots' are used up.

But because we have this very surface level way of communicating with most of the people we encounter, this leads to all sorts of negative outcomes, like judgment. We know ourselves from the inside, but we know others only by what they tell us. We hold ourselves to a much lower standard than the people we talk to. We take issue with small aspects of people's personalities and use that to reach rigid, non-negotiable verdicts on who they are. We don't care what their unique challenges are and it doesn't even cross our minds most of the time.

If we could treat others with the same level of understanding that a mother treats her son or daughter, we wouldn't judge people nearly as harshly as we tend to. We would be able to understand their flaws and see them similar to how we see ourselves. We are of course able to excuse our own flaws so easily, but when it comes to others we set that principle aside and judge. But part of the problem comes back to our inability to even allow ourselves to understand others.

In our society people are keen on presenting themselves in the best light they can, especially on social media. Website like Instagram and Facebook present people at their best, their most successful and most attractive, always having the time of their lives. People usually keep the negativity out. You would think people are perfect, but some are struggling to find happiness and hide it. As such, many people who browse social media only to see people at their best may feel mixed emotions. Excitement and awe, mixed with a sense of shame, loneliness, envy, and other negative unwarranted emotions because their life is nowhere close to this image.

So in summary: 

Religion has declined in the west for quite some time, and old values and their functions haven't been fully replaced by new ones. We struggle to live our lives to the fullest, and don't have any clear guide for how to do so. Society expects us to put on a mask, live our lives day to day striving to be happy in a  world that seems to be pretty devoid of any true answers. While some people may generally believe that they're happy, many are also struggling. The way we communicate with one another is flawed, almost asocial and restricts our ability to fully understand others and develop deeper relationships. We need relief. 

We need to put down our phones and give ourselves time to really think all this through and find answers.

We need to be more connected with others, and with nature. Nature doesn't judge us. Nature is always there for us when we need it. Animals don't judge us either, they just want someone who will play with them and make them happy. Human babies under 2 are the same. Judgment is for the most part the result of a sick society.

Our childhoods may have had a strong part to do with how we are the way we are. Many of us have suppressed traumas that we are often unaware exist. We have an inner 'true' self that we bury deep within our subconscious, and a false self that is more concerned with appearing 'normal'. 

Say you're an employee and your boss writes a report. Your boss tells you that although you did a good job, you could improve in a few areas. You respond defensively with: "Why are you always trying to bring me down?" Something from your childhood is coming up to a place that doesn't belong there (unworthiness, a defense structure). 

This can happen to all of us in different forms, with different circumstances. We're never as adult as we like to think we are.